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Kramer tries to help Miss Rhode Island prepare for a pageant. Jerry dates her. George suggests that the New York Yankees switch to all cotton uniforms but everyone hates the idea. Elaine gets a new job with Mr Pitt.
The Big Salad
George and his girlfriend Susan pick up a big salad for Elaine. Elaine thanks the girlfrined but not George, and George never forgets as he thinks she took credit for his big salad which he bought. Jerry dates a woman that once dated Newman. Newman broke up with her because she wasn't his type. Jerry ponders why Newman would break up with her. Elaine's boss wants a mechanical pencil so she goes to a store to get it and discovers they are all out. She has the store clerk special order one but she gets one elsewhere, and is later confronted by the clerk as to why she had him special order the pencil. To make up for things Elaine reluctantly agrees to a date with the clerk. Kramer gets into a fight with a former ball player whom he was playing golf with. They argued about the rules of golf and the jock is later wanted for murder after a golf tee is found at the muder scene of a dry cleaner. Kramer helps the jock escape in a white ford bronco just as OJ fled in.
The Pledge Drive
Jerry finally gets around to cashing some old checks that his grandmother gave to him. They bounce and cause his grandmother much grief. Jerry volunteers to host a PBS fundraiser. George manages to have Danny Tartabull, a baseball player attend the event. Jerry thinks one of Elaine's friend that is dating a high talker or somone that talks very loud hit on him.
The Chinese Woman
Jerry dates what he believes to be Chinese woman. Elaine's friend from the previous episode is now dating a long talker or someone that takes forever to say anything. Kramer discovers his sperm count is running low so he gives up his briefs and lets it all hang out. George thinks his parents are getting divorced.
George joins a book club but finds that he doesen't like to read all that much. He attempts to rent the movie version of the book he is supposed to read, Breakfast at Tiffany's but discovers the movie is rented out. George travels to the home the video was rented to and pleads with the family to let him watch the movie with them. He asks for popcorn and settles for some nuts. The family there disturbs his viewing and George lets them know when they do it too. George finally goes to his book club and is comfident that he knows the book just by watching the movie. He puts his foot in his mouth when he refers to the book characters by the actors who starred in the movie. Kramer starts the make your own pizza business with Poppie that he thought of sometime ago. Jerry gets a new couch and Elaine starts to like one of the movers. Elaine learns Poppie's stance on abortion and she can not eat at his restaurant anymore. Poppie sits on Jerry's couch and leaves a pee stain. Jerry gives his new couch to George because of the pee stain. George just flips the pee cushion over and is happy with the couch. Jerry gets his old couch back from Elaine. Elaine discovers that the moving guy she likes is against abortion as he says "One day we will get enough people on the supreme court to change that law." Elaine has to dump him.
George strikes out in his latest relationship. Elaine's boss becomes interested in 3-D art and has Elaine do extra work. Kramer passes a kidney stone. Jerry wants to have sex with a woman because of her allure as a gymnast. She also wants to have sex with Jerry because she enjoys the mystigue of comedians.
Jerry gets a free Armani suit from Kenny Bania, his comedic rival but finds that he has to give Bania a meal in return. Jerry thinks that he has fulfilled his obligation when he bought Kenny soup, but that wasn't enough. Kramer experiences a desire to eat healthy foods because of his experience passing a kidney stone in the previous episode. Kramer starts to eat only fresh fruits. George goes out with a waitress but she is not interested in him at all. Elaine enjoys the comfort of a man she brought over from England who has only one talent mooching off her.
Kramer gets a small mom and pops store in trouble when he gets cut by a dangling wire and the store is inspected for faulty wiring. The repairs would cost more than the store can afford so it is shut down. Jerry and Kramer learn that the mom and pop store was not really owned by a mom and pop as they had no children. Jerry agrees to let Kramer have some of his shoes to help a small shoe repair business. Kramer takes more than Jerry had in mind as he left Jerry only a pair of sturdy cowboy boots. Jerry and Kramer then attempt to track down the shoes. They get a tip that the shoes are in another state and race to find them. George buys a car that he thinks was owned by celebrity John Voight. He is not sure so he arranges to have bite marks on Kramer matched to bite marks on a pencil as John Voight had bitten Kramer and the pencil was in the car. A dentist there hears of this unusual idea to prove the car is John Voights and exclaims that he knew John Voight as John was a pal of his in dental school. This means of course that the John Voight whose car George owns is a dentist and not the celebrity he thinks. Elaine wins tickets so her boss Mr Pitt can particpate in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade with a Woody Woodpecker float.. George accidentally knocks something out the window at a party and destroys one of the parades floats.
Jerry sees his drycleaner wear one of his jackets which he brought in for drycleaning. Jerry has words with the man about this matter. George is given the opportunity to hire a secretary to help him with all the work he does (or so his boss thinks). He decides to not hire a pretty secretary because that would be a distraction. He opts for a less beautiful one because he thinks this will help him get more work done. The rationale for his hiring decision does not hold up when his new secretary's efficiency turns him on. He gives her such a huge raise that she now makes more than George, her boss. Kramer sells all of his clothes to Kenny Bania in a clothing store and then hides until he can find something to get home in. While Kramer hides in the store Elaine looks at a dress. She believes the store has carnival style mirrors which make it hard to make a good fashion choice so she leaves. Kramer gets actress Ulma Thurman's phone number and nearly loses it.
Elaine dates a man who is a communist. She is facinated with the nostalogia of dating a communist. The man talks with Kramer about communism.Kramer gets a job as Santa at a mall. His friend Mickey plays an elf. One boy sits on his lap and tells him what he wants. Kramer responds that he really doesen't want what he thinks he does because its made in a third world country by someone not much older than he is. The small boy gets up, points, and excalims "Commie, Commie, traiter to our country." Kramer and his friend Mickey are now out of a job. Elaine's communist friend causes George to glance at the Daily Worker, the newspaper of the American Communist Party.. George notices the personals section and responds to an add placed by a woman that says "Looks are not important." Jerry asks "Who's looks her's or yours." George receieves a phone call about the add at work and Steinbrenner believes George is a communist. Jerry meets up with an old friend he beat in a race in High School. The friend insists Jerry started early which Jerry knew that he did. Finally Jerry agrees to race him again. This time a car muffle makes a loud sound just before the shot to race goes off. Jerry goes early and no one noties. He wins by a lot and jumps in triumph to the music from Superman.
Jerry has a girlfriend that just doesen't laugh. However her roommate laughs a lot, and Jerry starts to like her. George and Jerry contemplate how to pull off the classic room mate switch in which you succesfully trade one room mate for another without offending the original girlfriend so much that she tells her room mate and ruins things for the new relationship. George comes up with the scheme of saying that Jerry wants a menage a trois with both of them. He figures this will upset the current girlfriend so that she will dump him and leave the possiblity of moving in on the more open minded funny room mate. Jerry finds that he can have them both as "they're into it." Jerry tells George that he doesen't wish to become an orgy guy as he will then need orgy friends and orgy clothes. George tells Jerry that he is passing up the chance of a lifetime. George is dating a model that he believes is bulimic. George plots to use Kramer's mother who is a bathroom matron to find out what she really does in the bathroom. The plan enables George to make a fool of himself in the women's bathroom. Kramer first name, Cosmo, is revealed for the first time.
Jerry and Elaine suspect that they are the victim of a regifter who repackages gifts given to them and then gives them to someone else. They suspect that a label maker Jerry was given in exchange for some superbowl tickets is the same one that Elaine gave to the supposed regifter. Elaine investigates further. George dates someone with a male roomate. At first George hates the idea as he thinks the guy will try to move in on his girl. After the male room mate moves out, too much focus is put on George and he regrets his decision on the matter. Kramer and Newman play a friendly game of risk that becomes anything but friendly. Jerry can't use the Superbowl tickets he was given because he has plans to go to a wedding. The tickets movie through many pairs of hands but in the end Jerry does get to go; only with his worst enemy Newman.
Kramer helps Newman escape from a cop that has been looking for Newman for years because he always parks illegally. George gets a hair piece. Jerry learns about a guy that is pretending to have cancer just to get sympathy. Elaine gets back at someone by buying the same glasses he has which she uses to poke fun of him with.
Highlights of the first 99 episodes
Elaine tries to convert a gay man to heterosexuality; or to switch teams. George wears a hair piece that really makes him look silly but gives him confidence. Jerry dates a policewoman that wants to find out if Jerry likes Melrose place. She hooks him up to a lie detector test. Jerry at first lies but then as the questions become more intricate he just blurts out a whole lot about the show. The episode ends with the theme music to Melrose place and Jerry, George, and Elaine watching the show.
George is billed for a doctor's appointment he cancelled so he attempts to bill a doctor when the doctor cancels an appointment. Kramer puts photos up in the apartment of all the tennants. Jerry starts kissing women hello because they recognize his photo. He becomes unpopular when he stops.
George's father, Frank stays with Kramer.Kramer comes up with an idea for an invention when Frank lifts up his shirt to reveal manly breasts. Frank and Kramer tinker until they come up with a name for a new support bra for men. They call it "the bro." Jerry gets into trouble with the doorman at Elaine's bosses apartment while just trying to be nice.
Elaine notices a new guy at her gym that she really wants to go out with. She tells George and Jerry how good looking he is and discvoers that men can not admit when another guy is good looking. She tells George that just because you admit another man is good looking you are not homosexual. George replies that it doesen't help. Elaine goes to the gym and tries to get the guys attention. She gets a smile and then the man is gone. She talks with another man at the gym about the man and the guy answers that Jimmy is unusual. Elaine believes that Jimmy is the guy she seeks. In reality she is talking to a man that refers to himself in the third person always. George starts to refer to himself in the thirdperson too as he says "George is getting mad." Jerry goes to the dentist and notices a Penthouse magazine in the reception area. Later when he is anesthetized for his dental work he awakes and sees the doctor and his assistant getting dressed. He wonders if his shirt was tucked out or in earlier and ponders if he has been violated or not. Jerry thinks this incident may make him "damaged goods." Elaine retorts with join the club. Kramer gets a fat lip and numbness after his trip to the dentist because his anesthetic has not worn off. A man who is throwing a foundation for the mentally handicapped notices Kramer and asks him to attend the foundation because he believes that Kramer is mentally challenged. Jerry tells Elaine that he really isn't far from that. Elaine invites Jimmy to go to the foundation with him. Jimmy gets into a fight with Kramer because Kramer broke his legs earlier. Kramer ends up wtih a swollen lip again. As he sits at the table in the foundation he appears retarded because of his speech and slur caused by his swollen lip.
George becomes worried when he finds a doodle drawing of him done by his girlfriend that is rather unflattering. George asks Elaine to find out if she really likes him. George soon learns that she likes him and "looks are not important." George is upset by this because he would rather be considered good looking and hated than loved because George is used to being hated. Jerry discovers flees in his apartment and has no clue where they came from. He finds out they came from Newman. Newman pretends to hide this at first as he refuses to scratch himself in Jerry's presence but Jerry edges him on with talk about how fleas make a person have to scratch. Jerry arranges to have his apartment fumigated. Elaine writes a manuscript for a book company but leaves the script in Jerrys apartment which is being fumigated. Jerry's parents and Uncle Leo have planned to stay with Jerry so he talks Elaine into letting them stay at a hotel payed for by her book publisher. Uncle Leo and Jerrys parents overuse the company expense account by ordering room service too often and eating too many macadamea nuts. Jerry spots Kramer going into Jerry's apartment after it has been fumigated and discovers Kramer was in there for two hours. Kramer than exclaims about the poison gas and refuses to get Elaines manuscript which Elaine believes is in the room. Elaine holds her breath and goes searching for her script twice. Elaine loses her job with the book company because of the abuse of the expense account. Kramer loses his sense of taste after being in the presence of the poison in Jerry's apartment and misses out on being able to eat fresh peaches that are fresh only two seasons out of the year.
Kramer gets vanity plates that he ordered some time ago from the DMV. They read ASSMAN which was not what he requested but he posts it on his car nonetheless. Kramer wonders just who the assman is. George's mother has had eye surgery and has been suggested not to cry or laugh because it could hurt her eyes. Jerry invents a new move he does during sex and is mad when he finds out that Elaine's boyfriend, a mechanic does it too. Elaine loves the move but Jerry convinces him to stop using the move since it was originally Jerry's. The boyfriend tells Elaine that he has other moves but she is not enthused. Jerry later needs the assitance of the mechanic so Elaine's boyfriend can use the move again. Jerry tells George about the move but he gets it wrong and uses a bit too much knuckle at first. But the next time around George gets it right as he wrote down the move and followed the instructions during sex. His girlfriend discovers this and is furious. Kramer makes a statue of Jerry out of fusilli pasta. George's dad Frank accidentally falls on it. Frank goes to the proctologist and explains that it was another of those "freak accidents, that is one in a million." Kramer learns that the ASSMAN is a proctologist the same one Frank is going to.
Elaine decides to quit working for her boss Mr. Pitt but then discovers that he has put her in his will so she stays on. This fact makes her a suspect when Mr Pitt nearly overdoses on medication as she is the prime suspect. Mr Pitt fires her. George's boss thinks he is racist. George tries to convince him otherwise anyway he can. He says his boss resembles Sugar Ray Leonard to try to illustrate his knowledge of nonwhite cultural icons, but it only adds to his bosses impressson of George the racist. George tries to make a black friend, any black friend so that he can appear better in the eyes of his boss. Jerry's agent drives him crazy as he attempts to meet a model at the airport. Kramer takes up betting after talking with a wealthy Texan.
George discusses the intracies of toilet paper with his girlfriend and feels the allure of love.He tells his girlfriend that he loves her but gets no response. Jerry tells him that that is a big step and an "awfully big moza ball to have hanging out there." George believes maybe she didn't hear him. George had never told anyone he loved them before except for a dog that licked himself and left. Elaine dates someone that paints his face in team colors for hockey games. The face painting offends Elaine, Jerry, and a nearby priest. Jerry forgets to say thank you to someone who got him free hockey tickets which he soon regrets. Kramer gets into a fight with a monkey at the zoo when the monkey throws a bannana peel at him and then he throws it back. The monkey then goes into a deep depression and the zoo blames Kramer.
Jerry and George play in a celebrity softball game with Bette Middler. George slides into homeplate really fast and hurts Bette Meddler. Jerry is dating the understudy of Better Meddler for her latest stage production of Rochel Rochel. Bette Middler suspects that George and Jerry hurt her on purpose so the understudy could step in and fill her place. Kramer becomes a close friend of Bette Middler in the hospital and helps her with everything. Elaine suspects that an oriental manucurist is making nasty comments about her in a foreign tongue. She has George father, Frank translate what she says and discovers the truth. Elaine loses the privalage of going to the manucurist but obtains a new job with the J Peterman clothing catalog company.
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