Mary is Ted's High School dream girl. She asks him to the prom because he treats her retarded brother well and because she likes braces. After Ted screws up the prom opportunity she moves away to another state from Ted. Ted tracks her down years later. Mary is as beautiful as ever, single, and an Orthopedic Surgeon. A great competition for her attention ensues between Ted, his friend Dom, the Priviate detective Pat hired to find her, and a faked cripple named Tucker among others. The picture at left is of Mary a scene in which she mistook Ted's semen dripping from his ear for hair gel which causes her hair to stick up after she applies it.

Ted is a goofy kid who is lucky enough to have the school hottie, Mary ask him to the prom when he is younger. Ted finds a way to even screw up this opportunity. He pulls his zipper into his crotch and has to go to the hospital. There went his opportunity with Mary. Years later he decides to try to find out just what happened to Mary. Therein begins the great competition he will have against Pat, Dom, Tucker, and even Bret Favre who all want Mary too.

Pat is a private detective that is hired by Ted to try to locate his lifelong dream girl Mary. After locating her in Miami Pat decides to go after her for himself and tells Ted she is fat and unavailable in essence. Pat's angle for trying to win over Mary is to eavesdrop and use what information he gathers to allow him to know just what Mary truly wants to hear.